WHY MARRIAGE IS LIKE A SACRIFICE
Vayikra
What do marriage and Korbanos (sacrifices) have in common?
Sounds like the start of a marriage joke, right?
The truth is, marriage and Korbanos have a lot in common and from the Torah’s description of the Korbanos we can learn a lot about our relationships.
The book of Vayikra details the different types of Korbanos which Hashem requires us to bring. One phrase which is repeated over and over is that the Korbanos are ריח ניחח לה' “a pleasing fragrance to Hashem”. What does this mean?
Hashem does not need our Korbanos. He is not affected by the aroma of a good piece of roast meat. The pleasing fragrance of the Korbanos is the pleasure (נחת רוח) Hashem receives because “I have said, and My will has been done.” Hashem asked us for something and we fulfil His request to the fullest. This gives Him great satisfaction and creates a deep bond between us.
There is a huge sense of love and satisfaction that comes when our spouse does things for us that we want. When they take the time to understand our desires, wants and needs and to fulfil them, it shows that they care for us.
But here is where it gets tricky. Often we don’t specify what we want, yet we expect our partner to know. Like, the oft heard “if you really loved me you would know what I want” (although I never told you what it is).
How often do birthday or anniversary gifts turn to disappointment because we expected that our partner should “know us” and therefore know what we would want to get?
Every spouse wants to please the other and give them what they desire. But we can’t mind-read. Their being able to guess what we want is not a sign of love or of being more deeply connected. And being given something which we have asked for is no less an act of love and gives us no less satisfaction than if it were left to mind-reading.
Real love and connection is expressed when we can listen to what is meaningful to our partner and then try to give it to them.
But asking for what we want means being vulnerable. So instead of verbalising our wants, we place the onus on them, expecting them to know what we desire and inevitably setting them up for failure and ourselves up for disappointment. When our needs are not met, we build up feelings of resentment towards our partner for not satisfying us. All of this could be avoided if we would share what we wanted.
This is not just true of gifts but of anything we would like to see more of in our marriage.
The relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people is like a marriage. When asking what He wants from us, Hashem leaves no room for mind-reading or guess work. He very clearly spells out what He wants us to do for Him and in great detail and specification.
All we need to do is come through and when we do, this is His “pleasing fragrance”.
The fact that He has to request it does not indicate a weakness in the relationship and the pleasure felt is no less deep when His request is fulfilled.
So try and bring a bit of “sacrifice” into your marriage; Don’t be afraid to ask directly and specifically for what you want. When your partner shares with you their wishes and needs, be attentive and take care to fulfil it to the fullest. I’m sure you will then be able to enjoy the “pleasing fragrance” of connectedness and mutual satisfaction that this will bring to your relationship.
Sounds like the start of a marriage joke, right?
The truth is, marriage and Korbanos have a lot in common and from the Torah’s description of the Korbanos we can learn a lot about our relationships.
The book of Vayikra details the different types of Korbanos which Hashem requires us to bring. One phrase which is repeated over and over is that the Korbanos are ריח ניחח לה' “a pleasing fragrance to Hashem”. What does this mean?
Hashem does not need our Korbanos. He is not affected by the aroma of a good piece of roast meat. The pleasing fragrance of the Korbanos is the pleasure (נחת רוח) Hashem receives because “I have said, and My will has been done.” Hashem asked us for something and we fulfil His request to the fullest. This gives Him great satisfaction and creates a deep bond between us.
There is a huge sense of love and satisfaction that comes when our spouse does things for us that we want. When they take the time to understand our desires, wants and needs and to fulfil them, it shows that they care for us.
But here is where it gets tricky. Often we don’t specify what we want, yet we expect our partner to know. Like, the oft heard “if you really loved me you would know what I want” (although I never told you what it is).
How often do birthday or anniversary gifts turn to disappointment because we expected that our partner should “know us” and therefore know what we would want to get?
Every spouse wants to please the other and give them what they desire. But we can’t mind-read. Their being able to guess what we want is not a sign of love or of being more deeply connected. And being given something which we have asked for is no less an act of love and gives us no less satisfaction than if it were left to mind-reading.
Real love and connection is expressed when we can listen to what is meaningful to our partner and then try to give it to them.
But asking for what we want means being vulnerable. So instead of verbalising our wants, we place the onus on them, expecting them to know what we desire and inevitably setting them up for failure and ourselves up for disappointment. When our needs are not met, we build up feelings of resentment towards our partner for not satisfying us. All of this could be avoided if we would share what we wanted.
This is not just true of gifts but of anything we would like to see more of in our marriage.
The relationship between Hashem and the Jewish people is like a marriage. When asking what He wants from us, Hashem leaves no room for mind-reading or guess work. He very clearly spells out what He wants us to do for Him and in great detail and specification.
All we need to do is come through and when we do, this is His “pleasing fragrance”.
The fact that He has to request it does not indicate a weakness in the relationship and the pleasure felt is no less deep when His request is fulfilled.
So try and bring a bit of “sacrifice” into your marriage; Don’t be afraid to ask directly and specifically for what you want. When your partner shares with you their wishes and needs, be attentive and take care to fulfil it to the fullest. I’m sure you will then be able to enjoy the “pleasing fragrance” of connectedness and mutual satisfaction that this will bring to your relationship.