THE SECRET OF GIVING DEEP, POWERFUL AND IMPACTFUL COMPLIMENTS
Kedoshim
The secret of giving deep, powerful and impactful compliments
Dear Rabbi,
My wife has been complaining that I never give her compliments. I don’t understand why she feels that way. I compliment her all the time. I always tell her how the food she makes tastes delicious and how she keeps the house so well and takes such good care of the children. What am I doing wrong?
Trying
Dear Trying,
It sounds like you do compliment your wife. But there are compliments and there are compliments.
So firstly, let’s understand why compliments are so important in a relationship.
Every person has a natural desire and craving for recognition and praise. This does not stem from a place of vanity. Rather, it comes from a very deep place within the psyche of the soul.
One of the concepts discussed in Kabbalah are the Seven Sefiros. These describe the modes through which Hashem manifests Himself within the order of Creation. In the soul, these are seven emotional energies which we possess and through which our soul becomes expressed.
One of these Sefiros is the Sefira of Tiferes. Whilst often translated as beauty, Tiferes also means to take glory or praise.
Boastfulness or bragging is a corruption of the attribute of Tiferes and is the manifestation of the selfish, egoistic drives of our animalistic side.
But Tiferes is one of the drives of our G-dly soul as well and is the driver behind a lot of what we do. Part of why a person wants to do an act of Chessed (kindness) is so that the recipient recognises their kindness. This is referred to as the Tiferes within Chessed. A person will want to share their ideas so that their intellect is appreciated. This is the Tiferes within Chochma.
Giving praise touches this natural craving for recognition within the other, making them feel valued, appreciated and recognised. Praising someone has the power to draw out specific qualities of a person by arousing the sense of Tiferes within that quality. For example praising someone’s generosity will arouse their desire to give.
Because Tiferes reaches the deepest levels within a person, praise and compliments create very deep feelings of positive self-esteem.
So what are the different types of compliments I was referring to?
All compliments recognise something positive about the other person. There are so many things that we can compliment someone on.
As a general rule, the closer the compliment is to the person themselves, the greater the revelation of their Tiferes will be and the stronger the feeling of appreciation and positivity will be.
The most basic type of compliment focuses on something that someone does or has done. The object of this type of compliment is not (directly) the person themselves. This type of compliment will be more superficial and will only touch the external aspect of Tiferes within them.
Examples of this would be complimenting your wife’s cooking of keeping a beautiful home.
These types of compliments can be made more powerful if the object of the compliment is changed. “You are an amazing cook” is much better than “this lasagne is delicious.” They may sound similar but the nuance speaks volumes. “This lasagne is delicious” compliments the food but says nothing about her. “You are an amazing cook” in contrast, focuses on her talent.
But even this deeper type of compliment is still essentially related to something that they do and is ultimately focused on something outside of themselves.
A deeper type of compliment praises someone for things connected to their being. These compliments trigger a deeper dimension in their attribute of Tiferes. This is why women want to be noticed and complimented by their husbands on their physical beauty.
The deepest compliments talk to her inner self. These compliments focus on her values and beliefs or her character and personality. The ultimate compliment is simply for being the person that they are.
Your compliments seem to be the more external type, focusing on the things that your wife does. These will arouse the aspect of Tiferes in a more superficial way and may not register as a compliment. You should still continue with these compliments anyway. I am sure she does appreciate them. But she is looking for more.
Try and think of her deeper qualities and the parts of her personality that you treasure. Make an effort to compliment her for her beliefs and passions. And most importantly compliment her for being her amazing self. These compliments will ignite her Tiferes and satisfy the praise and recognition that she craves from you.
Additionally, remember that a compliment will be far more affective if it recognises something that they themselves take pride in. Also make sure that your compliments are genuine and something that you have thought about.
Keep this up on a consistent basis and your compliments will hit the mark.
All the best.
~ Based on Likkutei Torah Parshas Kedoshim
Dear Rabbi,
My wife has been complaining that I never give her compliments. I don’t understand why she feels that way. I compliment her all the time. I always tell her how the food she makes tastes delicious and how she keeps the house so well and takes such good care of the children. What am I doing wrong?
Trying
Dear Trying,
It sounds like you do compliment your wife. But there are compliments and there are compliments.
So firstly, let’s understand why compliments are so important in a relationship.
Every person has a natural desire and craving for recognition and praise. This does not stem from a place of vanity. Rather, it comes from a very deep place within the psyche of the soul.
One of the concepts discussed in Kabbalah are the Seven Sefiros. These describe the modes through which Hashem manifests Himself within the order of Creation. In the soul, these are seven emotional energies which we possess and through which our soul becomes expressed.
One of these Sefiros is the Sefira of Tiferes. Whilst often translated as beauty, Tiferes also means to take glory or praise.
Boastfulness or bragging is a corruption of the attribute of Tiferes and is the manifestation of the selfish, egoistic drives of our animalistic side.
But Tiferes is one of the drives of our G-dly soul as well and is the driver behind a lot of what we do. Part of why a person wants to do an act of Chessed (kindness) is so that the recipient recognises their kindness. This is referred to as the Tiferes within Chessed. A person will want to share their ideas so that their intellect is appreciated. This is the Tiferes within Chochma.
Giving praise touches this natural craving for recognition within the other, making them feel valued, appreciated and recognised. Praising someone has the power to draw out specific qualities of a person by arousing the sense of Tiferes within that quality. For example praising someone’s generosity will arouse their desire to give.
Because Tiferes reaches the deepest levels within a person, praise and compliments create very deep feelings of positive self-esteem.
So what are the different types of compliments I was referring to?
All compliments recognise something positive about the other person. There are so many things that we can compliment someone on.
As a general rule, the closer the compliment is to the person themselves, the greater the revelation of their Tiferes will be and the stronger the feeling of appreciation and positivity will be.
The most basic type of compliment focuses on something that someone does or has done. The object of this type of compliment is not (directly) the person themselves. This type of compliment will be more superficial and will only touch the external aspect of Tiferes within them.
Examples of this would be complimenting your wife’s cooking of keeping a beautiful home.
These types of compliments can be made more powerful if the object of the compliment is changed. “You are an amazing cook” is much better than “this lasagne is delicious.” They may sound similar but the nuance speaks volumes. “This lasagne is delicious” compliments the food but says nothing about her. “You are an amazing cook” in contrast, focuses on her talent.
But even this deeper type of compliment is still essentially related to something that they do and is ultimately focused on something outside of themselves.
A deeper type of compliment praises someone for things connected to their being. These compliments trigger a deeper dimension in their attribute of Tiferes. This is why women want to be noticed and complimented by their husbands on their physical beauty.
The deepest compliments talk to her inner self. These compliments focus on her values and beliefs or her character and personality. The ultimate compliment is simply for being the person that they are.
Your compliments seem to be the more external type, focusing on the things that your wife does. These will arouse the aspect of Tiferes in a more superficial way and may not register as a compliment. You should still continue with these compliments anyway. I am sure she does appreciate them. But she is looking for more.
Try and think of her deeper qualities and the parts of her personality that you treasure. Make an effort to compliment her for her beliefs and passions. And most importantly compliment her for being her amazing self. These compliments will ignite her Tiferes and satisfy the praise and recognition that she craves from you.
Additionally, remember that a compliment will be far more affective if it recognises something that they themselves take pride in. Also make sure that your compliments are genuine and something that you have thought about.
Keep this up on a consistent basis and your compliments will hit the mark.
All the best.
~ Based on Likkutei Torah Parshas Kedoshim