THE IMPORTANCE OF DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Kedoshim
The easiest way to get into conflict is often by trying to avoid it.
One of the Mitzvos in Parshas Kedoshim is the Mitzvah of "Hocheiach Tochiach". We usually associate it with rebuking someone when we see them doing something wrong.
But the Rambam defines a more primary dimension of this Mitzvah which is a very important skill to apply in our relationships:
When a person sins against his fellow, one should not remain silent. Rather it is a Mitzvah to inform the person and ask “why did you do that? Why did you wrong me by doing X?”
If someone hurts you or does something that offends or upsets you, it is natural to feel negative feelings towards them. At this point you have one of two options. Either you say nothing and bottle up the feeling inside. Or you can bring it to their attention and talk about it.
The easier path is to say nothing. We’ll keep things civil and polite rather than raise what could potentially be an awkward or difficult conversation. We will dismiss it as being nothing and brush it off.
Why do we bottle up our feelings rather than raise difficult issues?
* We are uncomfortable facing conflict
* We feel like we are creating conflict
* We don’t want to offend or hurt the other person by bringing it up
* We want to keep the peace – no messy confrontations
Immediately before the Mitzvah of Hocheiach Tochiach, the Torah tells us that we should not harbour hatred in our hearts towards our fellow. This is a very significant sequence.
The Torah is teaching us that the way to avoid negative feelings in our hearts is through verbalising those feelings and bringing it up for open discussion.
There are many advantages in relationships that can be achieved by discussing hurt feelings rather than bottling them up.
There is benefit in just speaking out the issue and ex-pressing one’s hurt. Even if the other person is not receptive, just verbalising our feelings lightens the load, allowing us to release our feelings without letting them fester inside.
It may give them the opportunity to explain from their side. We may have interpreted or perceived something as being done deliberately when it was not. We may have sensed a wrong where none was intended. Because we are so close to the situation, it is hard to think objectively and judge the other favourably (another mitzvah).
If we raise the issue, the other person has the opportunity to explain. If we don’t raise the issue, we will forever carry the negative sentiment that just may be totally unfounded.
This is the intent of the concluding words of the Posuk Velo Tisa Alav Cheit, “do not ascribe sin to him”. Don’t jump to conclusions that it was intentional or malicious. Rather bring up the issue to clarify and get a better understanding of what happened.
If the action was indeed hurtful, be it deliberate or unintentional, raising the issue allows the other person to recognise the result of their words or actions. We give them the opportunity to genuinely apologise and make up and allow the relationship to heal and move on.
The overriding objective of the Mitzvah Hocheiach Tochiach is to restore peace. The Torah understands that openly discussing issues is the only way towards peace and reconciliation.
If this is the purpose, it is understood that issues should be raised in a manner which seeks to restore peace and is conducive to doing so. The one raising the issue should not be just venting or complaining but should be willing to listen and genuinely and accept the justification or apology of the other.
The Rambam (sefer hamitzvos 205) writes that one should raise the issue and discuss it until the matter no longer bothers them. It may take a number of conversations until the matter can be put to rest.
Pushing feelings aside may be a temporary way of dealing with hurt, indeed things should never be dis-cussed in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. But at some point, sooner rather than later, as awkward as it may be, we have to have the discussion. If we don’t, the feelings remain there. And they fester.
Eventually they will come out and may do so in harmful ways, especially if such negative feelings accumulate over time. Like the proverbial bottle, bottled-up feelings will eventually explode.
Keeping feelings to yourself also takes a toll on your own physical and emotional wellbeing.
If you can genuinely forget and forgive, and not just superficially brush it off, that’s great. There is no need to go through this exercise. But most of us are not on that super-human level and we do feel pain, hurt and insult. Pretending that it is all good and that everything is ok, when it clearly is not, does not help at all.
Try it! Next time you are offended or hurt by someone else, take a moment to compose yourself and understand your hurt. Then approach the other person and give them the chance to reflect and explain, by expressing how it affected you. You may be pleasantly suprised with the results.
One of the Mitzvos in Parshas Kedoshim is the Mitzvah of "Hocheiach Tochiach". We usually associate it with rebuking someone when we see them doing something wrong.
But the Rambam defines a more primary dimension of this Mitzvah which is a very important skill to apply in our relationships:
When a person sins against his fellow, one should not remain silent. Rather it is a Mitzvah to inform the person and ask “why did you do that? Why did you wrong me by doing X?”
If someone hurts you or does something that offends or upsets you, it is natural to feel negative feelings towards them. At this point you have one of two options. Either you say nothing and bottle up the feeling inside. Or you can bring it to their attention and talk about it.
The easier path is to say nothing. We’ll keep things civil and polite rather than raise what could potentially be an awkward or difficult conversation. We will dismiss it as being nothing and brush it off.
Why do we bottle up our feelings rather than raise difficult issues?
* We are uncomfortable facing conflict
* We feel like we are creating conflict
* We don’t want to offend or hurt the other person by bringing it up
* We want to keep the peace – no messy confrontations
Immediately before the Mitzvah of Hocheiach Tochiach, the Torah tells us that we should not harbour hatred in our hearts towards our fellow. This is a very significant sequence.
The Torah is teaching us that the way to avoid negative feelings in our hearts is through verbalising those feelings and bringing it up for open discussion.
There are many advantages in relationships that can be achieved by discussing hurt feelings rather than bottling them up.
There is benefit in just speaking out the issue and ex-pressing one’s hurt. Even if the other person is not receptive, just verbalising our feelings lightens the load, allowing us to release our feelings without letting them fester inside.
It may give them the opportunity to explain from their side. We may have interpreted or perceived something as being done deliberately when it was not. We may have sensed a wrong where none was intended. Because we are so close to the situation, it is hard to think objectively and judge the other favourably (another mitzvah).
If we raise the issue, the other person has the opportunity to explain. If we don’t raise the issue, we will forever carry the negative sentiment that just may be totally unfounded.
This is the intent of the concluding words of the Posuk Velo Tisa Alav Cheit, “do not ascribe sin to him”. Don’t jump to conclusions that it was intentional or malicious. Rather bring up the issue to clarify and get a better understanding of what happened.
If the action was indeed hurtful, be it deliberate or unintentional, raising the issue allows the other person to recognise the result of their words or actions. We give them the opportunity to genuinely apologise and make up and allow the relationship to heal and move on.
The overriding objective of the Mitzvah Hocheiach Tochiach is to restore peace. The Torah understands that openly discussing issues is the only way towards peace and reconciliation.
If this is the purpose, it is understood that issues should be raised in a manner which seeks to restore peace and is conducive to doing so. The one raising the issue should not be just venting or complaining but should be willing to listen and genuinely and accept the justification or apology of the other.
The Rambam (sefer hamitzvos 205) writes that one should raise the issue and discuss it until the matter no longer bothers them. It may take a number of conversations until the matter can be put to rest.
Pushing feelings aside may be a temporary way of dealing with hurt, indeed things should never be dis-cussed in the heat of the moment when emotions run high. But at some point, sooner rather than later, as awkward as it may be, we have to have the discussion. If we don’t, the feelings remain there. And they fester.
Eventually they will come out and may do so in harmful ways, especially if such negative feelings accumulate over time. Like the proverbial bottle, bottled-up feelings will eventually explode.
Keeping feelings to yourself also takes a toll on your own physical and emotional wellbeing.
If you can genuinely forget and forgive, and not just superficially brush it off, that’s great. There is no need to go through this exercise. But most of us are not on that super-human level and we do feel pain, hurt and insult. Pretending that it is all good and that everything is ok, when it clearly is not, does not help at all.
Try it! Next time you are offended or hurt by someone else, take a moment to compose yourself and understand your hurt. Then approach the other person and give them the chance to reflect and explain, by expressing how it affected you. You may be pleasantly suprised with the results.