Guilt-Free Teshuvah
Teshuvah
Dear Rabbi,
When I do Teshuvah, and think about my sins over the past year, I end up feeling pretty guilty. With all my wrongdoings, I feel like I am a terrible person; so how can I come before Hashem? I actually dread this whole Yomim Noraim period.
Is this how it is supposed to be?
Answer:
One of the fundamental steps of the Teshuvah process is to feel regret for our wrongs – both between us and Hashem and between us and our fellow man.
Note that Teshuvah requires a feeling of regret, not guilt. Both of these emotions stem from recognising and feeling bad about our wrongs, but there’s a huge difference between the two.
Regret is a healthy. Guilt is not.
Guilt focuses on ourselves. The guilty sinner defines themselves by their actions: Instead of condemning their actions they condemn themselves. “If I did such-and-such, I must be a bad or unG-dly person”. This negative self-talk creates low self-esteem.
Regret focusses on the behaviour. We recognise our wrongdoings and take full responsibility for our actions, but do not define ourselves by them. Regret sees our actions as uncharacteristic of who we really are and want to be. Regret knows that I may have done a bad thing. But that does not make me a bad person.
Guilt says I am a sinner, remorse says I have “sinned”.
The irony is that whilst guilt will make us feel bad, it is unlikely to stop bad behaviour.
Guilt leads a person to seek to avoid facing what they have done wrong, or try to justify themselves. Admitting that they have done something wrong automatically implies that they are bad and will need to criticise themselves. Someone who is guilty will also avoid apologising, because they see it as affirming that they are a bad person.
Regret on the other hand, sees apologising as a way to rectify the wrong that we have inflicted. A regretful person finds it easier to admit a wrong, as it does not destroy their self-esteem.
Guilt becomes a self-fulfilling label. If my actions define who I am and my behaviour was so terrible, that makes me a sinner. If all I am is a sinner, I have no hope of being any different so I may as well do it.
Teshuvah is supposed to be a liberating experience. The goal of Teshuvah is to change the negative behaviour. Teshuvah means a return to our true selves, the good and holy people we know ourselves to be.
The key to feeling regret instead of guilt is to change your belief in yourself. Tell yourself over and over again “I have a pure soul which is actually a part of G-d. I genuinely desire to do the right thing”. When you do something wrong, tell yourself “I shouldn’t have done that, that does not reflect my true self and that is what I regret. I made a mistake that I need to and can fix up”.
With this approach you will find the Yomim Noraim to be a truly joyous and liberating experience, as you re-embrace your true self.
Wishing you a Kesiva Vechasima Tova.
When I do Teshuvah, and think about my sins over the past year, I end up feeling pretty guilty. With all my wrongdoings, I feel like I am a terrible person; so how can I come before Hashem? I actually dread this whole Yomim Noraim period.
Is this how it is supposed to be?
Answer:
One of the fundamental steps of the Teshuvah process is to feel regret for our wrongs – both between us and Hashem and between us and our fellow man.
Note that Teshuvah requires a feeling of regret, not guilt. Both of these emotions stem from recognising and feeling bad about our wrongs, but there’s a huge difference between the two.
Regret is a healthy. Guilt is not.
Guilt focuses on ourselves. The guilty sinner defines themselves by their actions: Instead of condemning their actions they condemn themselves. “If I did such-and-such, I must be a bad or unG-dly person”. This negative self-talk creates low self-esteem.
Regret focusses on the behaviour. We recognise our wrongdoings and take full responsibility for our actions, but do not define ourselves by them. Regret sees our actions as uncharacteristic of who we really are and want to be. Regret knows that I may have done a bad thing. But that does not make me a bad person.
Guilt says I am a sinner, remorse says I have “sinned”.
The irony is that whilst guilt will make us feel bad, it is unlikely to stop bad behaviour.
Guilt leads a person to seek to avoid facing what they have done wrong, or try to justify themselves. Admitting that they have done something wrong automatically implies that they are bad and will need to criticise themselves. Someone who is guilty will also avoid apologising, because they see it as affirming that they are a bad person.
Regret on the other hand, sees apologising as a way to rectify the wrong that we have inflicted. A regretful person finds it easier to admit a wrong, as it does not destroy their self-esteem.
Guilt becomes a self-fulfilling label. If my actions define who I am and my behaviour was so terrible, that makes me a sinner. If all I am is a sinner, I have no hope of being any different so I may as well do it.
Teshuvah is supposed to be a liberating experience. The goal of Teshuvah is to change the negative behaviour. Teshuvah means a return to our true selves, the good and holy people we know ourselves to be.
The key to feeling regret instead of guilt is to change your belief in yourself. Tell yourself over and over again “I have a pure soul which is actually a part of G-d. I genuinely desire to do the right thing”. When you do something wrong, tell yourself “I shouldn’t have done that, that does not reflect my true self and that is what I regret. I made a mistake that I need to and can fix up”.
With this approach you will find the Yomim Noraim to be a truly joyous and liberating experience, as you re-embrace your true self.
Wishing you a Kesiva Vechasima Tova.