GIVING CRITICISM - THE ART OF THE HOW
Devarim
Raise your hand if you like receiving criticism. Even though the Frierdike Rebbe said that one should love reproach as it will set you on the greatest of height, the reality is most human beings do not enjoy receiving criticism. Even the most well-meant ‘constructive’ criticism can be painful to face and receive. At best it is certainly annoying.
We don’t like attention being brouaght to our failings, character flaws or short-comings, especially the one’s that we are well aware of ourselves.
But sometime criticism is necessary. Criticism that serves to hurt or harm others, to belittle or destroy, is never okay. Criticising in order to vent our frustrations or to boost our own egos, is also wrong.
But criticism is sometimes necessary in our interactions with other. Criticism can be helpful if we want to bring about positive change or to help someone improve their behaviour or the way they do things. Sometimes there is benefit in just sharing our feelings with others in a genuine attempt to express how something they have done has made us feel.
The Midrash relates that Rabbi Akiva, the champion of Ahavas Yisroel, said that the problem is not a lack of people who can rebuke or a lack of people who can really take rebuke. The problem is that people do not no how to rebuke.
Bearing in mind the sensitivity involved, the ‘how’ of rebuke is the critical element if we want our words to be genuinely received and bring about the positive improvement that we would like to see.
Sefer Devarim is Moshe’s final address to the nation that he had led for forty years. His opening words are words of rebuke - Tochecha - for all of the various incidents where the Jewish people sinned and angered Hashem during the course of their travels. They include; the Golden Calf, the incident of the spies and the complaint about the Mann.
Moshe was the greatest lover of the Jewish people. From his approach in rebuking Klal Yisroel, we can glean some insight into the ‘how’ of rebuke.
At the beginning of his rebuke, the Torah tells us that this took place “after he had struck Sichon the king of the Emori and Og the king of Bashan”. Why is this significant?
Moshe himself put his life on the line to kill these two giants who posed a formidable threat to the safety of the Jewish people. Only after having done them a selfless kindness, did Moshe deliver his rebuke. Sensing his love and that he had their best interests at heart, they would now be receptive to his words of chastisement.
The Torah also identifies that the Jewish people were standing on the bank of the Yarden. The Meforshim point out that Moshe waited until they had reached their destination and were ready to enter the Land. While they were still travelling, they would be under the stress of travel and not be calm and focused. In the heat of the moment or while someone is preoccupied or unrelaxed, is not a good time for criticising. A quiet time when everyone is calm will be far more conducive.
Rashi quotes from the Sifri that Moshe, like Yaakov before him, waited until he was on his deathbed before delivering his rebuke. The Midrash lists 4 advantages of doing this;
1. So that he not rebuke him repeatedly
2. So that the other not be shamed in his sight
3. So that he (the rebuker) not bear a grudge in his heart (for his rebuke not being heeded)
4. So that he (the rebuked) not leave him and go (elsewhere).
Kedushas Levi points out that just before passing away, Moshe’s love for his people would have been more heightened. Only with this level of absolute love can one give rebuke.
The Meforshim also point out that Moshe did not explicitly criticise the Jewish people. Instead of clearly identifying the sins, he alluded to them in a veiled manner. This was done to protect the dignity of the Jewish people and to allow them to save face.
Even with all of the above, giving criticism is a sensitive matter. Before we say anything we need to think about whether it is really necessary and what our objective is. Then we need to think seriously about the ‘how’ . Finally we need Siyata Dishmaya and to and say a Kapitel Tehillim that our words will be heard and that our love will be felt.
We don’t like attention being brouaght to our failings, character flaws or short-comings, especially the one’s that we are well aware of ourselves.
But sometime criticism is necessary. Criticism that serves to hurt or harm others, to belittle or destroy, is never okay. Criticising in order to vent our frustrations or to boost our own egos, is also wrong.
But criticism is sometimes necessary in our interactions with other. Criticism can be helpful if we want to bring about positive change or to help someone improve their behaviour or the way they do things. Sometimes there is benefit in just sharing our feelings with others in a genuine attempt to express how something they have done has made us feel.
The Midrash relates that Rabbi Akiva, the champion of Ahavas Yisroel, said that the problem is not a lack of people who can rebuke or a lack of people who can really take rebuke. The problem is that people do not no how to rebuke.
Bearing in mind the sensitivity involved, the ‘how’ of rebuke is the critical element if we want our words to be genuinely received and bring about the positive improvement that we would like to see.
Sefer Devarim is Moshe’s final address to the nation that he had led for forty years. His opening words are words of rebuke - Tochecha - for all of the various incidents where the Jewish people sinned and angered Hashem during the course of their travels. They include; the Golden Calf, the incident of the spies and the complaint about the Mann.
Moshe was the greatest lover of the Jewish people. From his approach in rebuking Klal Yisroel, we can glean some insight into the ‘how’ of rebuke.
At the beginning of his rebuke, the Torah tells us that this took place “after he had struck Sichon the king of the Emori and Og the king of Bashan”. Why is this significant?
Moshe himself put his life on the line to kill these two giants who posed a formidable threat to the safety of the Jewish people. Only after having done them a selfless kindness, did Moshe deliver his rebuke. Sensing his love and that he had their best interests at heart, they would now be receptive to his words of chastisement.
The Torah also identifies that the Jewish people were standing on the bank of the Yarden. The Meforshim point out that Moshe waited until they had reached their destination and were ready to enter the Land. While they were still travelling, they would be under the stress of travel and not be calm and focused. In the heat of the moment or while someone is preoccupied or unrelaxed, is not a good time for criticising. A quiet time when everyone is calm will be far more conducive.
Rashi quotes from the Sifri that Moshe, like Yaakov before him, waited until he was on his deathbed before delivering his rebuke. The Midrash lists 4 advantages of doing this;
1. So that he not rebuke him repeatedly
2. So that the other not be shamed in his sight
3. So that he (the rebuker) not bear a grudge in his heart (for his rebuke not being heeded)
4. So that he (the rebuked) not leave him and go (elsewhere).
Kedushas Levi points out that just before passing away, Moshe’s love for his people would have been more heightened. Only with this level of absolute love can one give rebuke.
The Meforshim also point out that Moshe did not explicitly criticise the Jewish people. Instead of clearly identifying the sins, he alluded to them in a veiled manner. This was done to protect the dignity of the Jewish people and to allow them to save face.
Even with all of the above, giving criticism is a sensitive matter. Before we say anything we need to think about whether it is really necessary and what our objective is. Then we need to think seriously about the ‘how’ . Finally we need Siyata Dishmaya and to and say a Kapitel Tehillim that our words will be heard and that our love will be felt.