BELIEVE THE POTENTIAL, PARENT THE ACTUAL
Toldos
The mystics tell us that Eisav had an incredibly lofty soul. In its source, his soul actually came from a higher place than that of his righteous brother Yaakov.
His father Yitzchak saw this latent power; the great spiritual potential that Eisav could achieve. Yitzchak felt that his blessings would empower Eisav to actualise his inner potential.
As a mother and as a righteous woman, Rivka no doubt also saw Eisav’s great potential. But unlike Yitzchak’s focus on potential – how Eisav can be, Rivka focused on the here and now – where Eisav is actually at.
Yes Eisav may possess great spiritual strengths. He may one day reach the lofty heights that only he is capable of achieving. But right now he is ‘a work in progress’. To give him these blessings would not help Eisav reach his potential, rather it would do the opposite. Ultimately it was Rivka’s perspective that prevailed and the blessings were given to Yaakov.
The Alter Rebbe explains that had Yitzchak blessed Eisav as he had wished, the Brachos would have been lost, swallowed up by an Eisav who was still stuck in an unhealthy space. Or, Eisav would have been overwhelmed by the force of these blessings and lost his very self.
Seeing the potential in our children is amazing. We should have big dreams and teach them to reach for the stars. We should want to shower them with the ‘blessings’ of our belief in them and what they can achieve.
But if we relate to them and view them through this projected image and fail to focus on the child in front of us, we may set ourselves up for disappointment. Setting the bar too high for them can crush their self-esteem. Worst of all, when we look through the prism of our own dreams, we fail to really understand our child, what their struggles are and how we can best guide and support them according to their current needs.
Either our ‘blessings’, our aspirations will be swallowed up and lost because we fail to parent the child in front of us and help them get there. Or they may be overwhelmed by the burden and pressure of what they perceive as being beyond their current abilities.
An illustrative anecdote;
When little Joshy Goldstein was born, his parents took out a birth announcement in the Jewish press; “Daniel and Rachel Goldstein are thrilled to announce the birth of future heart surgeon, Joshua Goldstein.”
When the ‘future heart surgeon’ gets an F on his test, the result is disappointing as Daniel and Rachel’s dream seem to evaporate. But when it is ‘Joshua Goldstein” who got an F, it is a young boy who needs some extra help. He may still become that surgeon one day, but right now he just needs some more help in his studies, together with his parents’ understanding, acceptance, love and gentle encouragement.
The blessings will ultimately come to Eisav as well, when he is ready to receive them. This will take place when Moshiach arrives, when Eisav will be completely refined, and his inner potential revealed.
His father Yitzchak saw this latent power; the great spiritual potential that Eisav could achieve. Yitzchak felt that his blessings would empower Eisav to actualise his inner potential.
As a mother and as a righteous woman, Rivka no doubt also saw Eisav’s great potential. But unlike Yitzchak’s focus on potential – how Eisav can be, Rivka focused on the here and now – where Eisav is actually at.
Yes Eisav may possess great spiritual strengths. He may one day reach the lofty heights that only he is capable of achieving. But right now he is ‘a work in progress’. To give him these blessings would not help Eisav reach his potential, rather it would do the opposite. Ultimately it was Rivka’s perspective that prevailed and the blessings were given to Yaakov.
The Alter Rebbe explains that had Yitzchak blessed Eisav as he had wished, the Brachos would have been lost, swallowed up by an Eisav who was still stuck in an unhealthy space. Or, Eisav would have been overwhelmed by the force of these blessings and lost his very self.
Seeing the potential in our children is amazing. We should have big dreams and teach them to reach for the stars. We should want to shower them with the ‘blessings’ of our belief in them and what they can achieve.
But if we relate to them and view them through this projected image and fail to focus on the child in front of us, we may set ourselves up for disappointment. Setting the bar too high for them can crush their self-esteem. Worst of all, when we look through the prism of our own dreams, we fail to really understand our child, what their struggles are and how we can best guide and support them according to their current needs.
Either our ‘blessings’, our aspirations will be swallowed up and lost because we fail to parent the child in front of us and help them get there. Or they may be overwhelmed by the burden and pressure of what they perceive as being beyond their current abilities.
An illustrative anecdote;
When little Joshy Goldstein was born, his parents took out a birth announcement in the Jewish press; “Daniel and Rachel Goldstein are thrilled to announce the birth of future heart surgeon, Joshua Goldstein.”
When the ‘future heart surgeon’ gets an F on his test, the result is disappointing as Daniel and Rachel’s dream seem to evaporate. But when it is ‘Joshua Goldstein” who got an F, it is a young boy who needs some extra help. He may still become that surgeon one day, but right now he just needs some more help in his studies, together with his parents’ understanding, acceptance, love and gentle encouragement.
The blessings will ultimately come to Eisav as well, when he is ready to receive them. This will take place when Moshiach arrives, when Eisav will be completely refined, and his inner potential revealed.